getting restless

well, i got through the 100 degree days, bought 2 fans, and spent most of the time in a friend's cool basement.  kitty was like a rag doll.  he was a bit hyper at my friend's house, though, and used me as a platform for jumping up onto a window sill.  so i am scratched and battered, and kitty had to spend a few hours in his gym bag carrier (with little mesh windows on the sides) thinking about the bad thing he had done.  he was much more mellow after that little time out, but i doubt he understands a thing about why he was sent there.   i clipped his nails again tonight and this time he did not fight it.  i guess he is resigning himself to some of the silly and useless things humans think are necessary.

i got my 2 days off from the man!!!  of course they would not give me monday or friday off, but i did get tuesdays and wednesdays off.  so when we have those lovely holidays on mondays, i get a five day weekend!  now that's what i'm talking about.

i plan to do a little volunteer work, and some paid work so i don't go bankrupt.  it will be so nice not to be in a cubicle every day of the week.  and i plan to exercise on those days.  i have been doing about 2 times a week, and i want to at least double that.

i saw an ad for helping street kids in brazil - in the favelas.  i am almost afraid to look into it, for fear i will jump in and do it.  i really want to go back to brazil, but don't especially want to hang out in areas where i could get killed.  there are very few places like that in brazil, but the slums of Rio, for example, would be one of those few.  drugs are the main currency there, and even big name politicians and TV station owners are involved.  so it is best not to mess with their world.  but i would be interested in having those kids come to a center where i could teach them and learn from them...

why am i not content to lead a "normal" life?  i never fit in with my families wishes for me, or with my classmates' ideas of an ideal future with hubby and kids and a minivan.  (now it would be an SUV, i suppose).   i just feel the world is so huge and there is so much to explore and learn, and other cultures seem to have a better handle on living one day at a time, taking it easy and enjoying each moment.  of course, life there is less "secure" but what is security, really?  people here who have worked 30 years for the same company get pink slips and a new teenager who will accept lower pay comes in to take their place... just one example of this illusion we call security.

 

another scorcher

today it was about 98 degrees outside and my apartment is about 20 degrees worse. poor kitty was flopped on his back, belly up, mouth open and panting. poor fluffy monster.

i just heard bad news about my sis' back condition. i wish that something could be done to heal the problem and make the pain go away.

i am almost finished teaching my spanish medical terminology class for this term. last term was horrible. the students were very difficult. i also had bronchitis and pneumonia while i was teaching. all i wanted to do was sleep through those saturdays. these students seem like a better group. after 4 years of doing this, i was about ready to give it up and move on. it is hard
working a 40 hour cubicle job all week and then teaching all day on saturdays also. but my boss begged me to stay, in a very flattering way, so i am going to keep teaching but just for 2 terms per year. 4 terms is crazy, and we had been offering the classes every term, not really thinking they would fill up. but they always did...

i am organizing all my cd's - or rather burning my favorite songs onto recordable cd's and then selling or donating the originals. i need desperately to simply and organize my life. is anyone else like me - i cannot concentrate on a project if the room is all messy and disorganized. so i start cleaning and straightening and completely forget about whatever project i needed to concentrate on. it is a highly evolved form of procrastination!

i have not been able to make myself exercise in the mornings like i had hoped i would do. i have only done it once this week. i am hoping that after i go part time for the man, i will have 2 days off a week to exercise and do some freelance interpreting. and not have to get up so early in the morning! and maybe i will figure out my purpose for being on this earth, and how i can make it into a profession i love. well, a woman can dream, right?

bad blogger

i guess you could say i am not the most faithful blogger.  my own sister called me to see if i was ok since i had not blogged for awhile...  i am a procrastinator.  just mopped the floor i have been meaning to mop for a week.  and it is after 11 pm.  my 5 day a week exercise plan is more like 2 or 3 days a week.  when i teach classes at a local college, i wait until the last minute to plan them.  you get the picture.
 
but at least i have marked a few things off of my ever expanding "to do" list.  i did finally ask to go part time at my main job, so i can spend less time commuting and stuck in a cubicle.  i will do some spanish/english interpreting from home to make up for the salary loss.  there is an old folks' home next door to me, so i have thought about volunteering there.  so many elders never see any friends or relatives.  they are literally forgotten in those homes sometimes.
 
anyway, i am sad now because i just casually called my nurse friend whom i have known for years.  we used to have friday night talks and dinners every week at their house.  she is a pediatric neurology nurse and she told me she is very worried about my boyfriend's niece's seizures.  i have never heard this nurse say a negative thing in her life - she is always the optimistic one, saying things will turn out fine.  she is very religious and trusts that God will take care of us.  but this time she sounds doubtful.  i could not ask for details, since my b.f. was sitting right beside me.  he worries so much about his family members, that i just could not tell him what she said.  she felt awful for saying it, and asked me not to share it.  but now i am really worried.  could she die?  a sweet little baby whose parents really wanted her and have done everything possible to give her a wonderful life?  it does not seem fair.  and what if all the seizures have done irreparable damage to her brain?  she used to be alert and doing all the things a 9 month old usually does - now she seems limp and listless.  i somehow thought they would adjust all her medicines and she would be fine - and then eventually grow out of the problem as so many children do.  but i have seen cases where there is permanent damage, and that is so hard to watch... i cannot even imagine how her parents will feel.  all their hopes and dreams for her dashed to pieces.
 
i hate to end on that note, but i really need some sleep.  i have not been sleeping well at all, with one million thoughts and worries plaguing me as i lay in bed and stare at the dark ceiling and toss and turn all night.
 
another week is upon us.  i hope things get brighter.
 
 

stop my thoughts

i think too much. my mind is multitasking at all times. i never just do one thing at a time, and my mind never just thinks one thing at a time. maybe that is why i cannot fall asleep easily at night, or why i always feel exhausted. sometimes at work i am thinking of so many other things i don't even really hear what my caller is asking me. here are all the things i am thinking while i am typing this:

i want to sign up for a salsa dancing class. i wonder if cha cha's got remodled? the restaurant upstairs got a new look but is that awful and dangerous dance floor down in the cha cha seciton still the same?

i need to get these mercury fillings out of my teeth, i read lots of info about the harm the mercury does to the body. it leaks out over time and when you grind your teeth and chew for many years.

maybe that is why i get so many headaches? i am sure i grind my teeth while i sleep. i also think i need braces. i called my dentist twice and they did not even answer the phone or call me back. why is health insurance so expensive and so bad? i can't afford to get all my cavities replaced at once though. this will be a long project. and will i ingest even more mercury as they are drilling the stuff out of my teeth? and why does it hurt so much to get those anesthesia shots with the 3o inch long needle? maybe the pain would be better than the shot.

i read that purified water is not even good for us because we need the minerals in water and they get taken out, so now why did i spend so much on brita filters? you try to do the best thing for your health and the next day on the news or the internet you hear that the formerly best thing is now a bad thing... example, low fat low carbs, etc.

and why is weight loss so elusive? why are americans so fat if we have been consuming all this low fat food for the last 10 years? must be the carbs and portion sizes. but i cannot eat only meat and cheese, although when i did, i lost weight. i also got other problems but nobody wants to read about that! but i love animals and i just can't keep eating them. it makes me feel horrible.

and why do i always have to notice every single poor dead animal on the roads? why do other people in the car not see them, but i sure do, and it breaks my heart?

and so on and so on and so on, it never ever ends, help.

summer sunshine

oh the joys of a 3 day weekend. that is one of the few good things about working for the government.