from the book: living sanely in an insane world

Quotes:

"The grand essentials to happiness in this life are something to do, something to love and something to hope for." -Joseph Addison

"Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen." -Winston Churchill

"Mama exhorted her children at every opportunity to 'jump at the Sun.' We might not land on the sun, but at least we would get off the ground." -Zora Neale Hurston

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face." -Eleanor Roosevelt

"I will permit no man to narrow and degrade my soul by making me hate him."
-Booker T. Washington

"Never be haughty to the humble; never be humble to the haughty." -Jefferson Davis

"It is never too late to be what you might have been." -George Eliot

"Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony."
-Mohandas Karamchan Gandhi

never surrender

for those of us who are still fighting to help right the wrongs of our greedy governments, i submit this website where you can take the pledge to Never Surrender. so much depends on our staying strong and focused, no matter how many times our hopes are slammed to the ground.

www.neversurrender.org

signing petitions

i have been keeping up on my virtual activism by going to this site: www.thepetitionsite.com
it has made me aware of some more issues, and once you have filled in your info, if you go back to sign another petition, you don't have to retype anything. it is all pre-filled. and you can send that particular action item to friends, or even the whole site.

not sure how much good it really does, but if the powers that be see that we are more and more aware, i think they will get the message that we are not going to lie down and be rolled over by their idiotic policies anymore. we are the sleeping giant. (china really is, but it is waking up) and we need to wake up. commercialism keeps up occupied and sleepy so we won't take note and become apalled at the atrocities and unethical things that are happening. let's wake up and make our voices heard!

go camryn go!

i was reading the paper the other day - and i really don't do it often, because the news is
generally all bad and depressing, but this time i came across some words of wisdom.

it seems that camryn manheim (the one who accepted her Emmy award with arm raised high and the proclamation "this is for all the fat girls!") - well, she came to portland to speak to a group of university students who were involved in theater.

her main points during a talk she presented were "who are you when you're not acting?" and "what is going to sustain you as a human being?" the person with the most confidence in life, wins. whether you are auditioning for a part or interviewing for a job, you have to "behave" your way to confidence. a teacher of mine once called this "acting as if it were already true".
well, that is hard for me, because i hate fakers. i don't want to be a fake. i have lost friends because of it, but i just have a hard time pretending to be something i am not.

she mentions that people confused her with "fat activists". now, i myself am a clandestine fat activist, fighting prejudice and challenging it where i find it hidden away and painted as something perfectly acceptable. because it is not acceptable to judge and discriminate against anyone based on appearance. we know that and preach that, as a society, but the last bastion of legal prejudice is fat prejudice. fat people get hired less often than thin people with the same qualifications, and if they do have the luck to get hired, they generally get paid less for the same work. this used to be true of women and minorities in the workplace, but campaigns were mounted against it, and it has gotten better, but has certainly not been eradicated. very few are even mounting campaigns against fat prejudice, but i think the time is getting nearer.

so - she says that her message is a little different. you don't have to love your size, she says. i don't wake up every day and say, i am so glad i have these jiggly thighs and sagging parts and my back hurts and i keep having to buy bigger sized clothing that is overpriced and ugly. no, i don't rejoice in all that, but we do have to love ourselves. we get mad when someone else treats us poorly, but some of us are meaner to ourselves than the meanest jerk walking down the street.

so, why doesn't our society encourage us to wake up every morning and say "i love my body just the way it is today!" because the american economy would out and out collapse if we all did that! the economy is based on making us hate our jiggles and wrinkles and sagging parts and less than perfect features, so that we will be compelled to run out and buy creams and pills and potions and contraptions that promise to "fix" our flaws and make us feel oh so happy. those empty promises don't deliver, but we keep buying and hoping to find that one miracle cure.

it takes a lot of courage and strength to say, i am not buying into that crap anymore. i won't watch it, listen to it, read it, or consume it anymore. i will speak out against it. i will tell the truth. i will love myself and i won't let anyone else tell me what is desirable and beautiful.

they put it out there, but we don't have to buy it. let's boycott the bullcrap.

and my hat is off to camryn! thanks for telling the truth and telling the world to wake up. thanks for reminding us that we have the power to think and feel about ourselves how we wish to think and feel. nobody can insult us without our permission.

and thanks to all the other activists who fight in their own small ways. to my sis and everyone else i have met who reminds me that i am fine just how i am... you go, girls! more power to us all.

getting restless

well, i got through the 100 degree days, bought 2 fans, and spent most of the time in a friend's cool basement.  kitty was like a rag doll.  he was a bit hyper at my friend's house, though, and used me as a platform for jumping up onto a window sill.  so i am scratched and battered, and kitty had to spend a few hours in his gym bag carrier (with little mesh windows on the sides) thinking about the bad thing he had done.  he was much more mellow after that little time out, but i doubt he understands a thing about why he was sent there.   i clipped his nails again tonight and this time he did not fight it.  i guess he is resigning himself to some of the silly and useless things humans think are necessary.

i got my 2 days off from the man!!!  of course they would not give me monday or friday off, but i did get tuesdays and wednesdays off.  so when we have those lovely holidays on mondays, i get a five day weekend!  now that's what i'm talking about.

i plan to do a little volunteer work, and some paid work so i don't go bankrupt.  it will be so nice not to be in a cubicle every day of the week.  and i plan to exercise on those days.  i have been doing about 2 times a week, and i want to at least double that.

i saw an ad for helping street kids in brazil - in the favelas.  i am almost afraid to look into it, for fear i will jump in and do it.  i really want to go back to brazil, but don't especially want to hang out in areas where i could get killed.  there are very few places like that in brazil, but the slums of Rio, for example, would be one of those few.  drugs are the main currency there, and even big name politicians and TV station owners are involved.  so it is best not to mess with their world.  but i would be interested in having those kids come to a center where i could teach them and learn from them...

why am i not content to lead a "normal" life?  i never fit in with my families wishes for me, or with my classmates' ideas of an ideal future with hubby and kids and a minivan.  (now it would be an SUV, i suppose).   i just feel the world is so huge and there is so much to explore and learn, and other cultures seem to have a better handle on living one day at a time, taking it easy and enjoying each moment.  of course, life there is less "secure" but what is security, really?  people here who have worked 30 years for the same company get pink slips and a new teenager who will accept lower pay comes in to take their place... just one example of this illusion we call security.

 

another scorcher

today it was about 98 degrees outside and my apartment is about 20 degrees worse. poor kitty was flopped on his back, belly up, mouth open and panting. poor fluffy monster.

i just heard bad news about my sis' back condition. i wish that something could be done to heal the problem and make the pain go away.

i am almost finished teaching my spanish medical terminology class for this term. last term was horrible. the students were very difficult. i also had bronchitis and pneumonia while i was teaching. all i wanted to do was sleep through those saturdays. these students seem like a better group. after 4 years of doing this, i was about ready to give it up and move on. it is hard
working a 40 hour cubicle job all week and then teaching all day on saturdays also. but my boss begged me to stay, in a very flattering way, so i am going to keep teaching but just for 2 terms per year. 4 terms is crazy, and we had been offering the classes every term, not really thinking they would fill up. but they always did...

i am organizing all my cd's - or rather burning my favorite songs onto recordable cd's and then selling or donating the originals. i need desperately to simply and organize my life. is anyone else like me - i cannot concentrate on a project if the room is all messy and disorganized. so i start cleaning and straightening and completely forget about whatever project i needed to concentrate on. it is a highly evolved form of procrastination!

i have not been able to make myself exercise in the mornings like i had hoped i would do. i have only done it once this week. i am hoping that after i go part time for the man, i will have 2 days off a week to exercise and do some freelance interpreting. and not have to get up so early in the morning! and maybe i will figure out my purpose for being on this earth, and how i can make it into a profession i love. well, a woman can dream, right?

bad blogger

i guess you could say i am not the most faithful blogger.  my own sister called me to see if i was ok since i had not blogged for awhile...  i am a procrastinator.  just mopped the floor i have been meaning to mop for a week.  and it is after 11 pm.  my 5 day a week exercise plan is more like 2 or 3 days a week.  when i teach classes at a local college, i wait until the last minute to plan them.  you get the picture.
 
but at least i have marked a few things off of my ever expanding "to do" list.  i did finally ask to go part time at my main job, so i can spend less time commuting and stuck in a cubicle.  i will do some spanish/english interpreting from home to make up for the salary loss.  there is an old folks' home next door to me, so i have thought about volunteering there.  so many elders never see any friends or relatives.  they are literally forgotten in those homes sometimes.
 
anyway, i am sad now because i just casually called my nurse friend whom i have known for years.  we used to have friday night talks and dinners every week at their house.  she is a pediatric neurology nurse and she told me she is very worried about my boyfriend's niece's seizures.  i have never heard this nurse say a negative thing in her life - she is always the optimistic one, saying things will turn out fine.  she is very religious and trusts that God will take care of us.  but this time she sounds doubtful.  i could not ask for details, since my b.f. was sitting right beside me.  he worries so much about his family members, that i just could not tell him what she said.  she felt awful for saying it, and asked me not to share it.  but now i am really worried.  could she die?  a sweet little baby whose parents really wanted her and have done everything possible to give her a wonderful life?  it does not seem fair.  and what if all the seizures have done irreparable damage to her brain?  she used to be alert and doing all the things a 9 month old usually does - now she seems limp and listless.  i somehow thought they would adjust all her medicines and she would be fine - and then eventually grow out of the problem as so many children do.  but i have seen cases where there is permanent damage, and that is so hard to watch... i cannot even imagine how her parents will feel.  all their hopes and dreams for her dashed to pieces.
 
i hate to end on that note, but i really need some sleep.  i have not been sleeping well at all, with one million thoughts and worries plaguing me as i lay in bed and stare at the dark ceiling and toss and turn all night.
 
another week is upon us.  i hope things get brighter.
 
 

stop my thoughts

i think too much. my mind is multitasking at all times. i never just do one thing at a time, and my mind never just thinks one thing at a time. maybe that is why i cannot fall asleep easily at night, or why i always feel exhausted. sometimes at work i am thinking of so many other things i don't even really hear what my caller is asking me. here are all the things i am thinking while i am typing this:

i want to sign up for a salsa dancing class. i wonder if cha cha's got remodled? the restaurant upstairs got a new look but is that awful and dangerous dance floor down in the cha cha seciton still the same?

i need to get these mercury fillings out of my teeth, i read lots of info about the harm the mercury does to the body. it leaks out over time and when you grind your teeth and chew for many years.

maybe that is why i get so many headaches? i am sure i grind my teeth while i sleep. i also think i need braces. i called my dentist twice and they did not even answer the phone or call me back. why is health insurance so expensive and so bad? i can't afford to get all my cavities replaced at once though. this will be a long project. and will i ingest even more mercury as they are drilling the stuff out of my teeth? and why does it hurt so much to get those anesthesia shots with the 3o inch long needle? maybe the pain would be better than the shot.

i read that purified water is not even good for us because we need the minerals in water and they get taken out, so now why did i spend so much on brita filters? you try to do the best thing for your health and the next day on the news or the internet you hear that the formerly best thing is now a bad thing... example, low fat low carbs, etc.

and why is weight loss so elusive? why are americans so fat if we have been consuming all this low fat food for the last 10 years? must be the carbs and portion sizes. but i cannot eat only meat and cheese, although when i did, i lost weight. i also got other problems but nobody wants to read about that! but i love animals and i just can't keep eating them. it makes me feel horrible.

and why do i always have to notice every single poor dead animal on the roads? why do other people in the car not see them, but i sure do, and it breaks my heart?

and so on and so on and so on, it never ever ends, help.

summer sunshine

oh the joys of a 3 day weekend. that is one of the few good things about working for the government.

fear and greed abound. i refuse to participate

I had to send this e-mail to one of my relatives today. He and few others of this clan are flag waving pro-military people who insist on sending me e-mails to try to "wake me up"! Well, instead of just deleting them all the time, I decided to answer one today:

Dear XXXXX,

I respect your right to have your opinion, but I am afraid I have to disagree.

I refuse to keep living in fear. Creating fear is a tactic used by many powerful nations to keep
their people concentrated on that, and not on the injustices that are happening every day.

The way I see it, wars have been happening since time began, and they have never really solved anything, and they are still happening today. The middle east has been at war since forever, and what have they really gained? And plenty of other countries don't like countries whose foreign policies favor the rich, but ignore and exploit the many poor and suffering people all over this planet.

After I travelled to a few countries, usually as a volunteer, helping with literacy and other teaching projects, I came back with a whole new perspective. I learned things from teachers and in books and on the news that nobody ever taught me in school or college over here in my own country. Do you know about all the military actions that were taken in Central America? Many innocent people were slaughtered. Labeling people "evil" is a very dangerous thing.

First the communists were all "evil", now it seems we are told to think of middle easterners as evil. I wish I could count how many times the word "evil" has been used in certain politician's speeches. If you say it enough times, people start to believe it is true. That is rule number one of advertising! I'm not talking rocket science here. (Lucky for some politicians who can barely speak their own native language properly).

I refuse to label everyone that way, and I don't think in terms of black and white. Most of life is gray. I know very good and kind hearted people from middle eastern countries. I worked with them for six years, because I was an interpreter in an office with people of many different nationalities. I also know a few interpreters from communist countries. They are intelligent and kind and good hearted, also.

I know some really great people in this country, and some really awful ones, too. Timothy McVeigh was a white terrorist, and there are lots more like him right on "our" own soil (which we took from the natives). All poor, white men are not terrorists, though. Labelling, generalizing and stereotyping any group of people is unfair and dangerous.

I am not saying the USA is not a good place to live. I am very fortunate to have been born here and to have the freedom and opportunities I have had. I am saying, however, that most wars are more about greed and money than anyone really wants to believe. And my heart aches for the poor mothers in other countries who have lost their innocent children, just as it aches for the young American soldiers who have gone over there to serve their country, and come back in wooden boxes that we were not allowed to see on TV. I cry for their mothers and loved ones over here just as much as the ones over there. All humans feel the same anger, grief and loss.

I guess I may be the only member of my extended family who feels this way. I am just being honest. I think my immediate family feels much the same as I do.

I am asking that you just take a moment to pray on this (yes, I am deeply spiritual, and I pray a lot). Why do all those people in other countries really hate us? They don't hate you and me because "we are free". They hate the idealogies of our leaders. They hate the greed we have and what our leaders are willing to do to others to keep amassing more wealth and power.

I also respectfully ask that you don't send me more e-mails about fear and war. They make me sad. I see and hear that every day in the corporate owned media, and even on the independent stations i listen to. I am trying to concentrate on the good. I want to hear more about programs and policies that promote justice and peace.

Thanks, and take care,
your crazy relative

brazilian travels - minas gerais, são paulo

some notes from a travelogue i wrote while teaching english
in brazil in 2000 - 2001:

i was able to travel during easter weekend because we had saturday and monday off. (i normally work monday-friday and 6 hours on sat. so extensive travel is impossible). i was invited by a family to join them in a trip to the vast state of minas gerais. the name means general mines and indeed there are silver, gold and other metals there, plus precious and semi-precious stones such as emerald and amethyst. this was the main area that the portuguese explored and exploited during their conquest of brazil.

the scenery in minas gerais is fantastic. miles and miles of green hills and mountains, like pictures i have seen of ireland. raising cows is the main economic activity, and the region is well known for its cheeses. we stayed on a farm that is 250 years old. our rooms were rustic but decent. the main house was beautiful, with all kinds of antiques and oddities collected over the years. 90% of all the food served to the hotel guests is produced on the farm. we ate 3 delicious meals a day in their dining room. we got to talk with other families that were staing there also. one little boy "Caio" (pronounced kigh-oh) was talking to us so much that i thought he was a relative of one of the people in our group! he wasn't. this family i went with is quite large, and aunts, uncles, brothers, cousins, grandmas all came, in about 5 separate cars. i wonder if people from different parties all hang out together and talk after dinner in bed and breakfast inns in the USA? anyway, this was really a nice atmosphere. like having a huge family gathering - which i have never had, since my family is rather small.

at this hotel/farm, there were horses, but we did not have time to ride them. we drove 1.5 hours to são paulo, then 7 more hours to this farm in minas gerais. on the way home, there was so much traffic going back into são paulo that we spent an extra 2 hours just driving the last 100 km into the city. ugh. i tried to keep us entertained with songs and stories and jokes. we were literally sitting still without moving an inch for 15-30 minutes at a time. then we would advance a bit, and then sit still some more. people were selling water and soft drinks and popcorn, etc, on the highway! very enterprising individuals.

but i digress - back to the hotel in minas gerais - there were about 6 different waterfalls near the farm. we would drive on dirt and rock roads, very bumpy with some big holes/gouges in the road, then we would park the truck and hike to a waterfall. the great thing was that the hikes were fairly short, and you could walk right into the waterfalls! people swam in the pools at the bottom of the falls, although the water was very cold. i even went down a natural waterslide made of smooth rock! i slid down a waterfall! when the group told me we were going to do this, i said "no way". i had visions of my shorts and legs getting ripped apart by sharp rocks... but it turned out to be incredibly smooth rock because of years water flowing over it. i had a great time. i took lots of pictures, but they never seem to do justice to the incredible beauty of nature.

the town near the farm is called carrancas; the name means "ugly faces" which is because there was a rock formation that looked like 2 people making scary faces at each other. the northerners carve statues of these ugly-faced people and put them on the sterns of their boats to scare away evil spirits.

after leaving carrancas, we decided to stop in são thomé das letras, which is known to be a mystical town where spiritual people from all over go to bask in the energy. they have seen ufo's there, and the whole town seems to be made of stone.
unfortunately, i did not even get to take any pictures because the elderly man who was driving our car was sick and tired of dirt roads and the rocks damaging the underside of his new car (a VW Golf, which is not made for dirt road driving). we had spent about 6 hours on paved and dirt roads to get to this town, then we just got a coke and some bread and he insisited we leave right away. there WERE a ton of people in the streets. it looked like woodstock all over again. tie dyes and birkenstocks. people had tents up everywhere. i would have liked to have stayed long enough to take some pictures of the stone church and the pyramid, and to talk to some of these characters, but we had to rush off. why? for another 9 hours of driving to get back to são paulo, of course!! i did talk briefly to one shop owner and bought a few postcards and tiny stone houses. he was argentinian, and had come there for a visit, and never left. he has lived there for 4 years, and says he is enchanted by the place. sadly, i don't think i will ever get to go back there, 'cause most people don't like to drive on those dirt roads.

swimming in peace

went for a swim tonight to cool off and get a bit of exercise. it was peaceful out in the ccol water, with nobody else around. gave kitty a little bath when i got back into the sauna-like apartment. kitty ended up giving me a bath. he "hugged" me like fuzz on velcro after he got sopping wet. he was not really in a bath sort of mood. but i bet he is cool and refreshed now. kitty just bit my foot in appreciation. ah, the joy of pets. he's busy re-bathing himself to show he can do it better than any human ever could.

i have been doing lots of research about kitties. i tried the raw meat diet for him this morning. he looked at me like i was crazy and walked away from the ground turkey. i guess i will have to cook it for him and see if he will eat it. the thing is, most cat foods are full of stuff they don't really need. what cats in the wild would eat corn meal or ash? grains are generally the main ingredient in commercial foods. and i read that they can even be moldy or otherwise unfit for human consumption,
but it is still legal to put them in pet foods.

i did teach kitty to use the toilet. there is no more litter box in my home. he goes
in a mixing bowl that sits in the toilet bowl. i just dump it out and flush. sounds icky but less so than cleaning a litter box all the time. the next step is when i take out the mixing bowl and hope he keeps using the toidy. not sure how that will go over, though.

sounds fun, writing about your kitty at 10 pm, eh? i really need some hobbies. i am taking a portuguese class tomorrow. the teacher is brazilian and she is very intelligent and well read, and we talk about interesting subjects.

well, i should be off to bed so i can get up and serve "the man" again tomorrow. did i tell you my head boss is dubya? well, i am not that proud of it, so i usually don't mention it. i am hoping to just serve the man part time and do other things to occupy my mind and pad my checking account - i will be talking to my supervisor about this soon. wish me luck...

monday monday

so, the weekend was dreadfully hot, and i love sunshine, but i have no air conditioner in my car or home, so i melted and had migraines all weekend. i still managed to go and see some old friends from a previous job on friday night, though. also saw my dear sister and her lovely kids saturday and sunday at dad's little father's day celebration. on saturday i sat for 3 hours through a brain hurting session about buying timeshare vacations. i got the free trip to las vegas, though. i have never been there as an adult, and want to see those incredible hotels and eat at the supposedly great buffets. i don't gamble, but i would enjoy a trip lack that to get me away from the winter doldrums in october or so.

emotional days

yesterday i was exhausted. not physically, but emotionally. first, a colleague of mine lost his 23 year old son in iraq. the memorial service was partially televised, and it was so strange to see my coworker and his wife sitting there dressed in black, with a folded flag on their laps, looking stunned and pained at the same time. the war has always angered me, but it has hit even closer to home now.

then i got news that my partner's newborn neice is in the emergency room for seizures. she is only 6 months old. i used to work at a university hospital, so i know the terrifying procedures that can be done to a patient when docs are trying to rule out different illnesses. i was calling on my cell phone throughout the day to receive reports of how things were going.

the latest news is that she's feeling better, but undergoing another 24 hours of brain wave testing today. they have ruled out meningitis and epilepsy, she has no fevers, so they are really stumped. today she had a whole bunch of short seizures, which they captured on tape and with electrical measurements. i only hope she will grow out of this as children with seizures sometimes do. her mom and dad were frantic, now they are just plain worried and weary.

i got so upset when my new indoor kitten (tiger) jumped off my 2nd story deck and disappeared outside for half an hour - it really makes me think... it is so much more intense when it is your human baby suffering or lost or sick. i am not sure i could bear it.

honoring the departed president

i guess it is time for me to finally make the leap onto the blog scene, and what a handy time to do so. now, i don't speak ill of the dead, and hopefully not of the living, but all this beatification of mr. reagan on every t.v. channel, numerous websites, and even e-mails they spoon-feed me at work...well it has just gotten me thinking i must live in an alternate universe inside my own head. because, i have nothing against the man, as a person, but his deeds speak volumes! and most americans either can't or won't remember -or never even knew about the atrocities he committed in central america, not to mention on our own soil.

does iran/contra trading arms for weapons ring any bells? or nicaraguans being killed by US trained and funded death squads? how about ollie north and mr. president's famous defense of "i don't recall"? i wish i could not recall all the dumb and hurtful things i have done. yet i have the warped capability of not being able to remember a movie i watched a few months ago, yet having sharp and clear images and soundbites playing over and over in my mind about every mistake i have ever made in the past.

selective memory, like selective hearing - presents an unbalanced view of the actual events. and americans today have a mindset of see no evil, hear no evil, don't want to know, don't burst my bubble containing the "we are the heroes" banner. if they were ever informed of the school budget cuts, tax cuts for the rich, social program cuts for the poor, NON trickle down economic policies, apartheid supporting, war supporting, cocaine importing ways of mr. reagan in the first place, then they have conveniently set those memories aside and replaced them with happy images of romance and the sprawling california ranch and a good old happy smiling cowboy. just a simple actor turned politico who stood for all things good and godly. right. well, america, you are scaring me. please wake up before november, because i really cannot survive four more years with a good ol' boy who can't pronounce "nuclear" but still attends meetings where he defends the use of smaller "nuke u lar" weapons. they are just little tiny instruments of mass destruction - no harm there, right?

our young men and innocent civilians over there are suffering and dying for oil and greed and politics, and a grudge against the "evildoers" who tried to kill his pa. but that is just too harsh a reality to bear for most of us. the sugar coating is so much prettier and more palatable.

ok, so now that you think i am a raving, right winged, tree huggin' revolutionary who would like to truly see "no child left behind" and the kids in appalachia or right here in portland not going hungry, and our natural environment preserved, and a real democracy where a majority of people actually would vote, and women and children and minorities and homeless people and all of us being valued equally...

i wonder if you'll dare to read on about my travels around the world, including this country we call "our own" (since we took it from the natives fair and square), and what i have learned from all of these experiences... judge me not, lest you wanna be judged, too. why can't we all just get along?